McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
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all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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