so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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