When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NoShamevember. You game?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
