I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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