I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
