see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
