come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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