he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
