Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
