I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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