The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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