The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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