he was CRYING into my vagina
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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