Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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