I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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