im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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