Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
