I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
