My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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