there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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