Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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