I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
