if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh god it's open bar.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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