never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine