And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
