U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
