Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
