Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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