You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
