Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
40s are totally the cure
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
