btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just high enough for therapy.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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