when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
