Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
