Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
