Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's blow job season.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
