Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
