at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
