is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
