why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
