worst night to have a conscience
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
