Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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