sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
