What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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