I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
