I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
