it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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