Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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