my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
