mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
