just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize