I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
People in love make me want to vomit
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize