I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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